THE DESIRE FOR REVOLUTIONARY SUICIDE – A Poem

This is the first in a series of three poems from one of our newest contributors. In "THE DESIRE FOR REVOLUTIONARY SUICIDE," Enkarna beautifully parses the nuanced feelings of confusion, fear, and guilt felt by the world's youth.

"the desire for revolutionary suicide" by enkarna

back when i was still young, and had faith - in nothing in particular - yet still faith,

i would lie on my bed and pray: “give me the strength to die for gaza
give me the strength to die for rojava
give me the strength to die as a zapatista
or at least as an internationally wanted terrorist
like bin laden or the killers of aldo moro
instead of rotting in this shithole
where i refuse to die
because there is nothing here that’s worth dying for”

and while i would sit there and pray
the things that i thought were worth dying for
have all been destroyed.

gaza has been demolished, the dust of the bones of its’ children now forever mixed with their blood and the dust of what used to be their apartments,
and it was demolished before any of the boats that i wanted to be on could ever arrive
and at least give some children a proper meal
before they too were ground up into bonemeal.

rojava has been extinguished,
the last dreams of democracy and freedom once again reduced to a spectre of failure
the final false hope of the last decade now seamlessly integrated into the very islamist state it once fought against.

and what of the zapatistas?
is it a matter of time before they too are all killed or pronounced dead?
before they lay down their arms and declare armistice
and are once again left to be raped and exploited
by the very same fascist state they rose up against
that has not changed one bit since they rose up against it? will i still be sitting there and praying?

or will i also go ahead and become a martyr?
will i be remembered like carlo giulani or pavlos fyssas, having died a glorious death at the hands of an evil so obvious yet so insidious
becoming the subject of songs and tattoos,
forever engraved on people’s playlists and forearms?

i hope that one day i will no longer be praying
but that i’m someone who’s worth praying for.